Creating a business I don't want to escape from
Creating a business I don't want to escape from
once I saw what I needed to escape from was inside of me all along.
If you’re here on Substack you most likely already know what I am about to say so please forgive me for stating the obvious - ‘this platform has the potential to offer a place to exist in this crazy virtual world without driving you quite mad.’
Why has it taken me nearly all year to come to that conclusion?
Well the problem is, the problem is me.
Putting aside the fear of failure, imposter syndrome, perfectionism and all the other pieces of the jigsaw that make up the picture of me, the missing segment is I had not opened myself to fully accepting the resentment I felt towards running a business full stop! In my mind it had become a dark, ill-formed beast, with laboured heavy breath dragging me backwards into the sodden earth, rather than the bright-eyed good friend with whom I gladly shared each day full of bounce and excitement for what was to come.
Let’s go back a few steps first and fill in the corner pieces and edges of this picture.
Tentative beginnings
I’ve been on Substack as a reader for a fair while. In around late 2021 I subscribed to The Isolation Journals by
as I emerged from my cancer treatment, with my own memoir in embryonic form and a long way from considering myself a writer. The following year I subscribed to ’s publication as I began to educate myself to be a better trans ally, reading most often in my emails and unaware of anything else the platform could offer. The wisdom of my nutritionist, and now friend, came next, with her informed and inspiring exploration of healing after cancer Uncoupling Cancer.It wasn’t until
mentioned in December 2023 she was starting on Substack as I signed up for her River of Words course, that I thought of giving it a try. By then, I was happily calling myself a writer and foraging around for ways to make this a bigger reality than my self-published memoir which sold a couple of hundred copies to friends and former clients. Working with Beth is refreshing and rewarding in equal measure. Submerged in her delicately curated courses and giving myself the space and permission to write as my primary focus have been some of the most fulfilling hours over the past couple of years. Her passion and guidance on how to commit to the writing life and build a business around it keep bringing me back to my desire when the many other distractions of the online world would pull me away.I am looking for a way to make some sort of a living again so let’s get serious here.
Learning from past mistakes & successes
My previous business was a brick & mortar physiotherapy clinic and building that from scratch over 15 years ago was nothing like this. I’d dabbled with online workshops and programs when COVID forced me to look at alternative ways to generate income but the cancer diagnosis brought that to an abrupt stop. On selling the clinic I loved the idea of the freedom an online business could supposedly offer but as I have experimented with ways to make it work I found myself repeatedly shying away from it, unhappy with all the extra baggage you seem to have to pack for the ride.
If I have learnt nothing else from my brush with cancer, I learnt my work needs to feel far lighter and serve me differently. I’ve lost myself twice in two completely different careers, almost ruined my marriage more times than I care to admit and diverted my love and attention away from my children when they needed it most. Not a third time.
Earlier in the year I wrote this poem inspired by one of
’s Daily Sparks and shocked myself with what it revealed.Load What darkness must I live in to feel such lightness & relief at illness? Taking away the heavy burden of my life. Yet not taking my life. I know I want to live another.
Until then I was unaware of how visceral my unhappiness was before I found out I had lobular breast cancer. However, I feel in my desire to make meaning out of my diagnosis and the resulting seismic shifts in my life, I’ve perhaps laid the blame too squarely at the feet of the business, as the living, breathing entity it became. Whereas in reality, the problem was me.
The problem was my attachment to every outcome as I fought to control each detail and circumstance.
The problem was me thinking everyone else knew what was going on in my head, then getting mad when they did the ‘wrong’ things.
The problem was not leaving my work at the other side of the front door, welcoming it boldly over the threshold each evening.
The problem was allowing the business to occupy an additional seat at our table, like an unwanted guest at a dinner party, rudely and persistently butting into our conversation.
And how do I know this? I know this because when I let go of it all as I was isolating at home during my treatment, things ran quite smoothly with less involvement from me and I got an insight to how it might’ve been all along.
The problem was I didn’t have the tools I have now - mediation, journaling and writing - to properly know any of this and no matter how often I tried to control less and accept more I was ill-equipped to do so.
The desire to avoid losing myself in another business has seen me hovering around the edges of the dance floor, watching others seemingly having the time of their lives and wishing I had the energy and lack of inhibition to join them. At a recent party, I realised no one else was looking at my sober, self-conscious dancing because they were mostly too drunk and wrapped up in having their own good time to care.
It’s time to get out there and dance like no one else is watching and if they are, then let them.
So in true journaling style, I dug in recently to what I can state to be true and believe in relation towards moving work I feel enlivened by and inspired to do.
I trust myself.
I have built a business from scratch before.
I am not afraid of hard work (even if I feel right now I've forgotten what that is!)
I recognise how the commitment phobia I developed after my cancer journey protected me from myself but it is time to let it go.
I no longer want to feel I am hustling for my own worth.
If being told there is only ‘this way or that’ to promote my work leaves me cold and heavy inside.I can choose another way.
Right now, at this point in my life, writing, meditation and teaching are the things that bring me the most peace and contentment (aside from being with my family and in my beautiful home).
So I have the focus to know I want to show up, but what am I going to do when I get there?
A problem of the last year or so is while I want to write as me, be me, share me, be honest, vulnerable , provocative, suggestive, curious and open the social media experts, coaches, gurus and the like tell me my writing is ‘woo-woo’ and not good enough for marketing and sales copy and I must write another way.
The penny drops
The day before I started writing this piece, I listened to
talk about Substack on a podcast (coincidentally with a couple of those ‘experts’ who’d told me I was too woo!). As she laid out in simple terms all that Substack has to offer my first reaction was why had I waited until now to dive deeper into Sarah’s work when she was one of the first people I signed up to? Perhaps I felt a resistance to formalise and make Substack feel like work when I was having fun just writing as I pleased? Whatever the reason, she had all of my attention now.When Sarah said that the best way to be on Substack is to be yourself I felt the fog I’ve been walking around in for months start to clear. As she kept talking I began to fully understand what I can do with the platform and how it frees me from many of the other messy pieces I am dragging along behind me, weighing me down like the proverbial chains.
My brain works the way it does and the penny will drop when it is ready and no sooner. Like the arcade game, the sliding platforms will push the coins imperceptibly towards the edge but there is no way of knowing if the coin you pop in the slot will finally push that pile of coins teetering on the brink over and give you the winning play.
The penny has finally dropped, my friends!
The excitement rushing around my body is coupled with a dose of relief because I had been on the verge of giving up.
Creating a business I don't want to escape from has steered my decision making for the past three years. Coincidentally, as I pass the third anniversary of the sale of my clinic I believe for the first time I've hit the spot where it feels right.
How do I know? My body is telling me so.
The softening of the shoulders and the absence of the tightness in the chest.The subsiding of my busy thoughts - no longer like the hive of worker bees buzzing around my head - I can hear and see clearly at last. A nervous excitement in my belly replaces the weary anxiety in my throat. My body tells me it is safe to step forward, even if it feels like the very commitment I have feared. My writing has illuminated the darkest corners and shed light on what has passed and I am no longer scared. As the emotion sinks to meet itself it creates a surge of energy. One I can channel like a flow of water in my head, moving with pace and purpose but also to a steady calm where it may water and nurture what wishes to flourish.
Now as the sun rises behind the trees beyond my window I feel renewed. I’m a little tired and in need of a better night’s sleep after waking repeatedly, itching to finally get this piece shaped on the page and published. More so, there is excitement that the early morning writing I’ve avoided most of the summer in the fear nothing would grow bears new shoots.
Let the hard work begin, and as I publish this post it feels like the dawn of a new friendship not only with my working life but with myself.
I remain who I am whilst no longer being who I was.
Thank you for reading
Jacqui x
PS look out for my new private community coming soon. A place for the energetically resilient who want to bring stillness, space and pauses in their day, to take a moment to themselves before continuing on their way.
Well written Jacqui and good luck with whatever the future may bring.
I can empathise with so much of what you write. The word 'business' has always had negative connotations with me, with not enough emphasis on the essential give and take and understanding that is the heart of any successful venture. Glad to have been your guide and to be called your friend.