Psst….I’ll let you into a secret, sometimes our action is not in thinking about how to fix it!
On sitting back and just watching
We meet The (Second) Book Writer after a day’s virtual writing retreat
Yesterday I took part in
Salt + Sky one day virtual writing retreat which, of course, was a wonderfully rich selection of all things writerly to soak in.I set the intention of ‘see where the effort is going versus what I surrender to’ for two reasons.
I‘ve been studying this over recent weeks as part of my own meditation practice and teaching (we covered it in the last live meditation circle - available here )
I know the biggest obstacle to me actually making progress is me!
My easily distracted mind is ably assisted by my preference for an active lifestyle - I like to do stuff, what can I say! My day is full of routines and rituals which I believe help me cope - many developed during and in the aftermath of my cancer treatment - some have proven to be highly effective, others I have become attached to and are in need of a shake up.
The problem is the more I analyse, reflect, play around the more of a mess I seem to end up in. So following someone else’s schedule for a whole day was going to be insightful!
Needless to say, I failed to follow the whole day and I fell behind - we had permission to do what we wanted - kind of fatal for me. The good thing was I actually noticed everything I did and everything I thought about what I did.
And I did write a lot too. I have also woken up today feeling immersed in words which is a sign that my head is in the writing space and not in the noise of my life and the world. This is pretty much all I need to know to tell me there was some magic in the day - of course there was, this is Beth Kempton!
What I want to tease out is exactly what I need to repeat to keep this up!
What I noticed as the day progressed.
I started out only ‘half in' with a loose intention to split the day over yesterday and today (which I am doing but it’s more a repeat with adaptations than a straight half!) because I knew I wanted to watch the Tour de France coverage and the Men’s Wimbledon final in the afternoon. All well and good - these things are only on once a year and I write every day but it already set me up to let myself off if and when I wanted to.
On top of that, what I hadn’t accounted for was a late night the day before. We had friends over for a meal which extended to sitting outside until midnight on account of our new fairy lights adorning our gazebo, making the most of a rare warm English summer evening and one too many glasses of wine.
Miraculously though, I woke bright and breezy at 06:45, remembered I was supposed to be doing the retreat and leapt out of bed.
Slightly thick head aside and a lot of self scolding on account of the fact I have effectively stopped drinking over the last 5 years so the previous night’s socialising definitely amounted to falling off the (virtually) sober wagon - I let all that go to be fully in the retreat and to notice notice notice.
First two sessions went well but I skipped the meditation to walk the dog and took full advantage of the permission not to rush back and enjoyed the beautiful weather.
I walked naked! Well not literally but not accompanied by any podcasts which is my usual MO. I did dictate a few words into my phone from a prompt and I texted another Soul Circle retreater to check in - you know who you are
!I had a lovely conversation with a couple I met on the walk about a few random subjects and the hosepipe ban! I love doing this and I don’t when I am plugged in to my earphones.
I knew there were other meditations and yoga coming and I could sense my resistance to them (I like my yoga, my meditations - attachment duly noted I stopped that thought).
Was it wrong to cook brunch for me and my husband when I got back and sit in the garden and enjoy each other's company and weather? No! We’d barely spoken all morning. I did pay attention to where the conversation went and kept it light.
The tendency to drift towards all the little bits and pieces that need doing in the house. They all need to be done but not now - I made a note to do them all together later.
Forgot all about this and spent nearly an hour booking, cancelling (booked wrong date) and rebooking train tickets for going to London Trans Pride in two weeks.
Resisted the urge to start scrolling social media and wrote in my journal instead on how the day was going.
Gave myself a nudge to return to my mantra - where is the effort going? I know it is going to take time to rebuild the muscle of attention after weeks of living in survival mode.
Wrote a juicy fragment for my sample chapter off one of the poem prompts. Made me feel excited to write the book and also highlighted gaps in my research.
Felt a bit guilty for skipping a session but I needed to eat. Found that my mind was less frantic and twitchy than it can be in the afternoon.
Completed the Live Circle and the final sessions (and still managed to watch the tennis final too!)
So what did I learn?
I lived up to my intention and focus of noticing which actually meant I did not write that much at all towards my book or proposal. This morning I find I am absolutely alright with that outcome.
It was an exploration more into how I write than the number of words written. An observation of what I am actually doing versus what I think I am doing.
I intend to write all day most days, between all the other things I do - meditation, yoga, exercise, walking, eating well. What I notice as I write this is that whilst all of these other activities serve my well-being and the writing, there is a subtle shift in focus to the writing not being the in-between part.
Needless to say, the attention greedy monster that is my mobile phone and all that lives there is another culprit of draining both my focus and energy. I ended the day yesterday feeling different and I can only put that down to the intention of bringing my awareness back to where my attention and effort was and the resulting reduction in trotting off along pointless scrolling and thought trains
No earth shattering revelation there for sure. However taking a day to sit back and really notice then turn that effort to the bits and pieces of writing I did finds me in a different place today. Which can only be a good thing.
I hadn’t spent the day trying to fix anything but there has been a passive reorganising going on in my brain which I sense as I look out at my world today.
Now to do it all over again. Flex the attention muscle and write.
Thank you for reading.
with gratitude
Jacqui x
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Still Point Meditation Circle 6
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You never said you were naked!
What a lovely insight in your writing retreat, inspiring and comforting, thank you for sharing your story Jacqui 🙏🏻🧡