Remember, David did slay Goliath
Three weeks of highs, lows, relief and anticipation and remembering without finding internal peace there is no fight.
A health issue loomed large in my mind alongside the arrival of the year with the chance it could turn into a full-blown event. I spent 10 days going between - ’ this is either nothing’ or ‘this could be the something terrible’.
What if this is it? The worst that could happen.
And with this fear rattling through my body all the things I’ve learnt from my hours of deep reflection, presented themselves in front of me like soldiers on parade in sharply creased trousers and highly polished boots where one unfastened buckle or loose button stands out in the sea of uniformity.
I have forgotten to live each day for the tiny moments of joy.
Remembering what matters.
The daily repetitiveness verging on monotony has thrown a sheet of complacency over all I had learnt. The slow creep of the ordinary lost its safety and warmth and became suffocating and restrictive. The mere chance it could all be up-ended once more stood out like the muddy boot on the parade ground - this life, my life, is the one I am living and I love it.
Why is that so easy to forget as the days go by despite feeling it so viscerally and loving it for so long? It still somehow managed to slip away.
No matter the relief I felt when my darkest vision melted away with each word of confirmation from the doctor that nothing was found, the melt water is taking time to work its way through me so parts remain held in the tension of survival. The vigilance is present, holding me on the edge of threat.
Holding the shockwaves at bay.
The enormity of the events unfolding around and beyond my tiny corner of the planet have enough magnitude to send their shockwaves right to my door. As a parent of an incredible transgender daughter I watch open mouthed knowing that each action taken there emboldens those in the UK who would see trans people removed from society.
This I struggle to ignore so it’s taking up a space too close to my heart. Refusing right now to move out to my outer circle of awareness.
Here I will be able to gaze on it, I hope, with a higher degree of separation but for now the wound is too new. Open and bleeding, mingling with my personal melt water the sense of mental nausea persists.
However now there is space for the ink of my pen to flow alongside and permeate through the vessel walls as the cell membranes allow.
Living with grace.
I come back to my place where it feels possible to turn despair into grace. The grace which will take me back to within myself where I am able to replace this agitation of recent weeks and meet the world with equanimity.
I find the highs, lows, relief and anticipation of all January has been so far and all it holds in its remaining days running in parallel to grander circumstances. However small I may feel, what I do still counts.
My relief at knowing I remain healthy reminds me to keep true to my own rituals and opens the way to live from my heart. While I have been understandably at odds with myself I couldn’t carry the lightness and brightness in my head. The meditating, writing poems and prompts and pretending I am practising all that I promote - it felt too trivial and meaningless.
However, what matters to me matters, especially when it allows me to make what really matters to my heart grow and take up the space the darkness tries to steal.
Without a practice to preserve, conserve and replenish my energy it all runs through my fingers without me being able to shape it into anything meaningful.
Making meaning.
My journey into these practices of meditation, breathwork and even writing are all about staying well in order to serve and make meaning. Whatever that might be. For me the path is clear but long and rocky to say the least.
I practice to return to that delicious stillness where my brain stops whirring and I feel the calmness wash through my body.
Where life doesn’t feel too much to be part of and I feel the strength to be in the world beyond my tiny office and my books.
Where I can channel the anger and fierce motherly instinct to protect my child into productive action which moves us forward rather than consumes me from the inside and leaves me broken.
From all I have lived through so far I have found nothing else which tames the wild horses of my thoughts the way meditation does so I want to shout it from the rooftops.
“Come look at this amazing power we have to heal ourselves.
It’s not without effort and discipline - there really are no magic pills to cure the human condition - but it pays back instantly and repeatedly.”
As the wind howls outside my window and the third storm in as many months disrupts my plans, the harshness of reality is never far from my mind.
Now is not the time to pretend the significant events did not and are not occurring.
Entangled in the joy of my son being at home over the holidays and the sheer pleasure of his 21st birthday party I feared my cancer had returned.
While the horror that is US and UK politics play out I watch my beautiful daughter take it all in her stride while she waits with bated breath for news of a desired university offer.
However, creating the space in myself to gain perspective means I can take some pressure off my activism against those who seek to harm. Standing like an immovable tower of concrete blocking my path, any attempts to run straight at it only harms me and leaves no mark on it.
But just as the power of the river shapes and alters the landscape through which it passes overtime so can I.
With my own personal health issues abated and a renewed commitment to the life I am living, I have to believe love will prevail, one delicate, heartfelt action at a time.
What may seem like a sculptor‘s fine chisel sent to do the job of a wrecking ball reminds me - David did fell Goliath.
Thank you for reading
with gratitude
Jacqui x
Curiosity & Contentment droplets
Something I’ve learnt recently - a new revelation, discovery, interesting fact or maybe something I should have known already!
What I said here - meditation is THE thing that makes all the difference to how I show up.
What is making the cogs of my brain whirr in curiosity or slow down with contentment from what I am currently reading, listening to or watching.
I’ve just finished reading ‘On Freedom’ by
which I cannot recommend highly enough. His in depth explanation of the five principles to make up positive freedom drew me in whilst also providing valuable background I can use in my book.On the book, I am digging in to a lot of Queer and Trans reading - with Whipping Girl by
, Before we were Trans: A new History of Gender by Kit Heyman and Queer as Folklore by Sacha Coward.Who or what has peaked my interest on Substack?
Please don’t forget the special meditation circles for my trans, non-binary and LGBTQ+ friends and allies - the next one is this Friday at 7am GMT.
Please contact me or message
if you want to find out more about me to make sure you feel safe in this space. He will vouch for me!!An invitation to my trans friends, the wider LGBTQ+ community and allies (revisted)
First of all I must apologise - this was offered with the best intentions and then it kept getting pushed back.
A contentment moment which made me smile.
Good news for my daughter’s girlfriend after months of hard work and waiting.
And that is me done for now! I hope you enjoyed the more Curiosity & Contentment droplets.
Thank you for reading
Jacqui x
If you would like to dig deeper into living with greater curiosity & contentment then you might enjoy joining our live gatherings inside Inner Source in Still Point - my meditation and mentoring community.
Our next Live meditation circle (via Zoom) is Gathering Five - Acceptance with EASE
Details - - Wednesday 19th February at 19:00 - 20:00 London, UK time (GMT) - please check the time where you are.
The next Mentoring Winter Gathering is on Monday 20th January 2025 - needed to be postponed so I will let you know when the neex one is set up.
NOTE: This gathering is for paid subscribers. If you would like to upgrade then it would make me very happy to have more people in our small tribe.
The replay of the last session can be found here
Still Point Meditation Circle 4
Welcome to the replay of our January Still Point Meditation Circle inside Inner Source and the first one of 2025!
You also get access to the weekly Curiosity & Contentment Self Enquiry posts. This week’s is outside of the paywall so you can take a look.
Can we still be in hibernation with the squirrels?
The murky grey skies hang heavy over me as we plod up the track stepping over the slippery tree roots covered in weather-beaten leaves. The freezing cold but attractive blanket of snow has given way …
If would like any more information then please do drop me a message.
Thank you again x
You have a beautiful soul, Jacqui. Thanks for mentioning me; I'm touched. You're doing wonderfully!! 🙏💚🌈