Who am I when I am‘the writer’? (Part 3 of 3)

On being comfortable to wear a label again and call it my work.

Like many others, over the past two weeks I’ve spent a few moments each day contemplating a question poised by the consummate

Beth Kempton

. Please indulge me while I share what I now know to be true as I reach the third and final installment of my responses.

An object to represent where I am in my writing life right now.

My little silver pencil sharpener.

All the pencils are lined up, ready to go, but they need to be sharpened to write neat and clear enough for others to read my words.

I could keep going with this metaphor - broken leads and blunt pencil tips but you get the idea.

---

Let me tell you a secret, 🤫 you’ll understand my writing more.

I sometimes feel like I’ve spent my life observing others laugh, live and seem really comfortable in themselves. Never quite knowing when or if I’m allowed to step in and be part of it, I remain at the edges and wonder, what if?

I’ve had my moments of glory for sure, but with the passage of time they feel ever fewer and farther between. Minor diversions from the long road I walk feeling insecure and uncertain.

I think that’s why in my writing I’m always asking questions of myself and why I am so in awe of my children. They are so sure and solid in who they are. Whereas I used to think my role as a mother was to shape and steer them, there came a point when I was forced to let go and then they grew into themselves; sitting back I simply smiled.

On occasion I grieve when the glimmers of the child who I was shimmer through them; regret she was lost laying heavy on my shoulders. I long to remove this cloak of sadness but somehow it never quite feels warm enough.

So I write to remember who I am and celebrate who they are. I write to persuade myself that there is more still to come and it will be worthwhile and heartfelt. I write to reassure myself how I never stop trying to release the demons from my head and banish them to a place where they may never take hold of me and mine again. I write to protect the delicate memories when it all seemed just fine and remember that they are all that really matter.

And I write to draw the gratitude I feel for this life right to the surface so I might trust myself enough to step forward and say ‘this is me’ without a care who is listening; just for myself.

---

These wonderful people and communities support me in my writing and make it feel more fun and worthwhile.

I feel that I have so many lovely souls in my life right now who share my love of writing. It feels so freeing to be able to just talk when so many in my life simply don’t get it!

There is, of course,

Beth Kempton

’s SoulCircle, which, alongside those I’ve met through Beth’s other courses, has given me so many beautiful writing friends and some blossoming friendships, in particular

Matthew Sutcliffe

Josefin Waltin

Simone Kornalijnslijper

Kole Flatau

Josie Rashmi Smith

Zoë Streeter

juliette crane

Brandi Amara Skyy

and having some of their familiar faces in other communities like Claire Venus ✨ Sparkle on Substack is such a support.

Although not writing, I adore being part of Footnotes & Tangents,

Simon Haisell

is my definition of a kind soul and reading the Wolf Crawl last year was wonderfully immersive.

And I am also part of SmallStack Library and appreciate my conversations with Robin Taylor (he/him) immensely on many topics as well as writing.

Don Boivin

is proving to be such a lovely connection both with his wonderful and thoughtful writing and his generous shares and comments 🙏

Rather excitingly I recently started going to a writing group at a local bookshop which is turning into a delicious place to be with other writers. Early days to find my people, but there is a fellow Substacker there - Harriet Mason - so it was great to meet her. And to feel that my writing life exists away from my little room and screen.

I cannot write this without a special mention to the tour de force that is Matthew Sutcliffe - who’s no nonsense directness is a gift and talking with him is fast becoming one of my favourite parts of my week. 💙

And to Beth Kempton, of course, without whom I’m not sure I’d still be writing so for that I will always be full of gratitude.

---

What I dream for in my writing life and bringing it to life.

As odd as it may sound, I would love my writing time to feel more like work time. Somewhere in my head writing feels like this delicious treat currently - to listen to a poem or find a prompt then write. Or take an idea that pops into my head and write more. I don’t quite see it as what I do yet it’s more how I spend my time. With that framing it runs the risk of being sacrificed on the altar of my to-do list.

So perhaps my dream is that I take it more seriously. Perhaps that has been the magic sauce that’s missing to get this next book properly on the way.

That’s the commitment, of course it is, to write the damned book.

I’m grateful for the timing of the Book Proposal Masterclass because right now I need to lose myself in this book.

This book about being the mother of a transgender child set against this hostile environment that seeks to disallow her to exist.

Every time it feels too close, too raw to write about, I remember the story I’m telling starts not now, but before and that I can write. No excuses. And what is now which cuts deep will be then when I reach that part and so much can change in between.

If the next six months can see me write this book, get an agent and a book deal and cast my medicine out in the world my dream takes shape. Then perhaps one person might read it and support their child or loved one where otherwise they may not have. Another person might read it and be a little bit kinder and show more compassion towards what is happening.

So now I write ✍️

The dream becomes work and the work becomes the dream 🙏🏻

---

And finally, three words to best sum up the kind of writer I want to be known as.

Vulnerable

Thought-provoking

Inspiring

---

Thank you for reading.

with gratitude

Jacqui x

---

PS I offer a lovely community here on Substack where we gather each month to learn more about mediation and there is a guided practice. This is a replay of the most recent Live Meditation Circle - Letting go without trying - from behind the paywall.

If you enjoy the recording then sign up as a paid subscriber to join me every month.

---

By upgrading to paid you are also invited to the Seasonal Mentoring Gatherings. The last one - Is it me? Defending our personal reality replay can be found here.

If you would like to get details about the next live session then subscribe to join our lovely community.

Until the end of May there is a lovely discount on monthly and annual membership.

Please get in touch if you have any questions about my community.