Why we can see exactly what we want to see, as long as we’re looking for it.
On building things up, going out, being alone (and eating cake!)
We meet The (Second) Book Writer at the start of her Book Proposal Masterclass ……..
Day one - full of trepidation.
It’s only words but why do I feel so apprehensive? I’ve built it up to be bigger than I needed to but that’s because it matters to me. How do I let go of that attachment to the outcome and get on with the doing?
Get organised.
Archive all the old papers.
Get a folder!
Make this the work.
Today’s Mark Nepo1 entry - ‘The Bee Comes.’ The flower doesn’t dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes.
My takeaway - our own inner growth makes us who are and attracts others that fit. Be here now and stop worrying.
Day two - is it a good or a bad thing I know what is coming?
Can I let go of where I found it hard last time?
Day three - the answer is yes.
Way more clarity on where the book fits. Turns out all this time reading other books and being in this space has made a difference. The lovely feedback always helps and a great nudge from Beth to broaden the book list - although that means more books to read!
Nepo talking about ‘Feeling beyond the hurt’ - ‘...compassion is a deeper thing that waits beyond the tension of choosing sides. … not give up the truth of what we feel ……nor minimise the humanity of those who hurt us.’
Ooof - that packs a punch today. Can I consider this when it feels that their truth is grounded in fear, bigotry and hate? How to see people when I know that these actions lead to people losing their lives?
Day four - my first Spoken Word event.
People listened, laughed at the bits they were supposed to and genuinely found a resonance with my memories of my dear grandad. I needed to feel this today - to know my words can hit the mark.
Confessions of a Pea Thief
A different direction for my piece this week as I continue to step backwards in order to move forwards in a more resourced way. I hope you enjoy this tale about my childhood, told through those young…
Day eight - A Bank Holiday Monday!
How inconvenient in Week 2 of Beth’s course! Who put that there!
That hardly matters when I look at all the other stuff I keep putting in my schedule. Some long standing commitments or plans but it’s not that - it’s all the other stuff.
Went to London for another protest march on Sunday . I felt connected to others and met another parent but was is really the best use of my time? Does it make me feel a better ally - yes - it’s good to show up. It’s done now. Move on.
Nepo entry - ‘Through the Wall of Flame’ Can I jump from my burning boat with courage into the greater sea?
Do I trust myself enough to stop seeking the reassurance of others or being ‘seen to’?
Day nine - the weekend seems to have thrown me out of safety.
My meditation mentoring helped - keeping looking for evidence to prove myself right. I can do this. I am safe.
Good old Mark hits the mark again - I know we read into things what we choose but this is like pulling the right Oracle card every day of the week!
‘Off the Merry-Go-Round’ No amount of thinking can stop the thinking!
Oh and Einstein - the manner of thinking that creates the problem cannot be the means by which to solve it.
You’re exhausted! Stop thinking, rest, then the work will come.
Day 10 - Yay!
The Title workshop2 with
- buzzing with ideas.Write the book I needed to read back when it all started.
But also be an adult and help yourself. Do the right thing to get your head in the game. Bring your attention in.
I’ve written a prompt to share so many times on this then not typed it up. About being aware of the tiniest of details - get it written and posted. This is still important too. Writing that is not for the book is still necessary for you.
Sat in a coffee shop and ate cake, just because.
Day 11 - it’s raining!
I love spring rain. The smell on the dry concrete, the way the garden swells into life. I also don’t have to worry I’ve forgotten to water the pots - again!
Lots of life feels heavy when it shouldn’t. I get to have this day. My tiny garden and my Tardis3 like patio that no one realises is there or that it sits as the roof to my garage -that no one realises is there. Now my extended writing space -there is a thought, maybe I should sit outside under the gazebo, wrapped up warm and write in the rain?
‘Giving up what no longer works.’ - What do I need to burn?
This question again …… the edge of myself that meets the world is thickened to keep it all out. I am scared. I know the way of the warrior leads to a shell of armour with no life within. My body is holding it all - she is telling me again to soften, move freely, connect all the parts as they move. The inner edge between me and my spirit - be soft.
Can the edge that is me be as thin as possible and only as thick as necessary?
I see I am putting so much pressure on myself there is no space to be content and simply be alive for fear it slips into complacency. I’ve been given a chance to live when others haven’t - it all has to matter.
Day 12 - I am safe.
More diary commitments last night that perhaps I could do without but made a refreshing change nevertheless. And laid a few interesting seeds for the book - what I am trying to say and who I am trying to talk to.
More shuffling and reshuffling of post it notes and a surprising satisfaction with what I have already written for my overview before. Not perfect but a good start.
What is the change?
FROM
Inquisitive but uncertain; some barriers but not closed off; wanting to understand
TO
Aware of any blind spots but not patronised or preached at; more informed about what it is to be trans, terminology, history - not new, not a phase, always been here - nuanced and more than binary.
And about love - loving people as they are.
How do I explain what it feels like to know the answer to the question - what if it is the right thing?
Day 14 - White Rabbits!
Here we are, another fresh month and arbitrary day to decide to be better!
Over socialised and bit jaded - went to a music gig last night! Fun but my brain is fried.
I’m saying no to a few things this next two weeks and delaying other arrangements.
Get back on the swing with my younger me - swinging backwards and forwards, counting - alone in my own little world. Here I feel safe.
I am safe. Stay centered and let the work be the joy.
Now I write ……
Thank you for reading.
with gratitude
Jacqui x
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Still Point Meditation Circle 6
Welcome to the replay of our February Still Point Meditation Circle inside Inner Source
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Part of the Book Proposal Masterclass
Dr Who reference to his time machine which was bigger on the inside than it appeared on the outside - just in case you really had never heard of it!